Acceptance

You do not belong to me, but you are mine
I feel as if, you should show me what I deserve
but it has to be earned, it has to be desired
The first time we saw eye to eye, the feeling was awkward
the first time we went face to face, the feeling was anger
As time went on, we grew apart, we grew together
we realized what needed to be done to hold it together
A family, a friendship, a love that was hard
I could never replace what you lost, but I will try
I will be there more, I will see to your needs
I will love you like you need, although it's not shown

Haven't been keeping up

I really have not been keeping up on here, sorry! I have been so busy that I have really only posted new thoughts and poetry to my Myspace blog (mainly because nobody reads that). But here are a couple of new ones.

Significant

Who are you behind the veiled eyes
I wonder what thoughts you have of me
While we speak, while we talk
will you reject the notion that is running in my mind
will you accept, and which fears me more
you may be the one, but I may not let you in
will you wait until I am ready, will you be one of a hundred
do you believe in soulmates, or just compatability
The dark abyss of your eyes sucks me in, show me the future
show me who I should be, or am I the best thing in the whirlpool
And if I am, should I keep hanging on to this feeling, or should I
let go, understand that you should love, be everything every time
love as much as possible, the pain makes you grow

Echo

Pulling, pushing, torn apart
noises that are heard, but make no sound
is it easier to pretend that they were not real
it is easier to know that they were reality
A reality that was not wanted, but now it is yours
A reality that was not welcomed, but now is the norm
Fighting to know that the contentment is fake
Fighting to know that this could be life
A life that was not planned, but a life nonetheless

2 more... who is reading?

Drown

Take this away, this anxiety, this fear
Don't judge my humanity for what it is
The way that it is dealt with is not your business
The person in front of you is not your care
Change is inevitable, it's necessary for life
To live and feel again, to numb the pain

Inside

Something that wants out
that needs muffled and shut
the side that should not be shown
but comes with the evil consumed
the persona, ashamed,
the person, embarrassed
locked in, normally
only available when confidence lacking
Who is this?

How Do You Talk to an Angel?

This post on craigslist got the gears turning -

OK, let me precursor this post with clarification and some self defecation. I am in no way the sexiest dude on campus. Not even close. There are so many studs in Oaktown its overwhelming. Every once in awhile I'll see a guy so dripping in testosterone and pure man that I consider switching teams just to cock (pussy?) block girls. Those dudes make the game tough for guys like me. They create unhealthy standards for girls which leads to sudden rejection in game-kicking situations.

With that said, I'm not the most unpleasing thing to look at in town. Sometimes I surprise myself when I catch a glimpse in the mirror. Who IS that handsome devil? I'm on the short side, probably a little too much hair, sometimes I dress funny (look, I really like comic books. yes, still). I got my flaws, who doesn't? In additon I have what some might describe a bad personalioty. I get mean, not angry, I just really love to cut up on people. But this isn't at ALL about personality...

GIRLS WHO ATTEND THE UNIVERSITY OF PITTSBURGH AND ESPECIALLY THOSE IN MY CLASSES

STOP STARING AT ME!

No really, its makes me edgy and distracts the hell out of my small male brain. LOOK, its not like I'm not flattered, we met eyes, cool, I'm fine with that. Just stop repeatedly looking in my direction! The thing is there wouldn't even be a problem if something ever happened from this, but after at least 5 years deep in the eye contact game I find it all to be pointless. Look down, look up, shut your eyes, pay attention to the teacher, stare at girls, just not me!

And stop the games!! I mean this girl today looked in my direction 9 times (I counted) sitting next to me. Why was that? Cause she caught me checking her out when she sat down, so what, its what guys do, big whoop, wanna fight about it? The point is she just looked, and got weird about it after awhile.

Or how about the girl you catch staring and she looks away really quick on some, oh i was scratching my ear crap. Or the one who gets caught and gives YOU the evil eye. YOU'RE THE PERVERT, HAG (nice rack)!!!

Or the times you catch a girls eye and shes absolutely gorgeous, waaay out of your league, and you get excited, then she KEEPS doing it, and in a cute little way where she's acting like she's real shy. Then you remember, ohwait, I'm me. And you're convinced its a trick, then you're like maybe I'm just exactly what she likes, shes into darker guys or something. Or maybe she notices the new Jordans. Then you wait until the end of class, where she dips out of the classroom before anyone and is out of the building before you can get a good look at her booty.

This isn't exclusive to classrooms either. Common areas, eateries, bars, parties, YOUR FRIEND'S HOUSE (yes you, K) and EVERYWHERE are applicable.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY...I do not want responses to this saying, "well you should just approach the girls, pussy". NO. NO. Screw putting myself out there. I'm a little shy but I'm no turtle, I just hate getting shot down even if its with the famous ooh-sorry-I-have-a-boyfriend excuse. Its time for girls to STEP THEIR GAME UP. I rarely receive compliments, flirting seems to have fallen out of style. If a girl ever asked me to do something or hang out I might spray her down with a hose because I'd be convinced she was a android from the future, or the devil.

So ladies, next time you see something across the room you can't keep your eyes off of, GO OVER AND PICK IT UP.

End Craigslist post, back to my insane mind.

So, what the hell women? Why do we always have to approach, even though you have already planned out a wedding in your head? I, like the writer above, do not claim to be the smartest, best looking or nicest person in the room, but if you are looking, you like something. Guess what is attractive to a guy? The same thing that is attractive to you - confidence. I have it most of the time, but after getting shot down about 4 times, we give up a little bit, a piece of us dies. So to all the ladies out there who are afraid of the same, think about how many times we have been shot down that day already - we probably would say yes to a cup of coffee.

emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness and cleanliness is godliness

As I sit and type, I read through other blogs, many with grammatical and spelling errors and think to myself, why not use the spell check feature? I don't want to rant and rave on here, but am I really that more intelligent than I think? Are people just lazy as a habit? It is not that difficult to click the ABC check button at the top of the screen. For that matter, use Firefox, it shows you when you are misspelling. Red line under the word, it is not correct. Let us come together, people of the interwebs, and save the next generation.

On that note, the next generation, I am very worried. I am worried about one thing. Text speech. They use it in every day conversations. If one more person lol's me in a text or im, or whatever, I may flip my lid. Is it that hard to type haha, or that's funny. There are many other things that lol could be interpreted as, many of them not as flattering as lol.

Save yourselves.

All at Once

OK, so here is all of my recent poetry and whatnot at once. There are a bunch, so read and tell.

Smother

Feeling, touching, a fleeting glance
My chest pounding, not knowing what to think
Knowing someone for so long, but not knowing their mind
it seems as if we are beginning again, but not
knowing that I feel this, and that you are trying
I want it so bad, but don't want to push
In my mind, if I do, You will run away
but I cannot help but protect, but hold, but to not let you go

After the Storm

A scent like no other, a taste so divine
the texture of silk, the finest felt
a reminder of love, but something so personal
to share between us, the eroticism of it all
as I lay next to you, as I feel you on me
as you tremble and say the words I long to hear
pushing, pulling, we move as one
and as the eye nears, a look at one another
and the calm is there, like no other

Loss

My old friend, I know that we
weren't as close as we were in the end
as we were in the beginning
But I know that does not mean
that you won't check up on me
and you'll see
that the thoughts of you
are still in my heart

You were there for pictures
parties and laughs
You sat and watched, never participating
yet, part of the fun
Know that I'll take care of
the rest of the people in my life
like you took care of me.

Why

Impulses firing, heart beating
Reminders of you
That I cannot let go - a feeling
a look, a certain reflection
a smell, that of your scent
They say to let go, to move on
but doing so would remove
a piece of my soul
a piece of my heart
that would never be
complete

Untitled

This happiness inside
is ruined by myself
Do I make myself miserable
by being happy?
Is it easier to be angry
Is it easier to not love
Should I be upset at the
feeling
No

Muse

Maybe I couldn't be open
until I was torn apart
Maybe I couldn't be me
Until I lost a part of you
But I will try to win that back
Until I am in the ground
And I promise
That I will be there until the
day I die

Eyes

If you could see what I
a look through my eyes
only to realize
that the truth is what is spoken

Cigarette

there is something that holds me
in it's clutches more than i'd like
it is not good
it is not fine
it is something that i need to have
every day to live
but it kills me

Smashing Bumpkins

Not a typo, my attempt at humor, I suppose. I just downloaded an album from '01, you know back in the dizzay, and I forgot all about this song.

Perfect
Smashing Pumpkins
I know were just like old friends
We just cant pretend
That lovers make amends
We are reasons so unreal
We cant help but feel that something has been lost

But please you know youre just like me
Next time I promise well be
Perfect
Perfect
Perfect strangers down the line
Lovers out of time
Memories unwind

So far I still know who you are
But now I wonder who I was...

Angel, you know its not the end
Well always be good friends
The letters have been sent on

So please, you always were so free
Youll see, I promise well be
Perfect
Perfect strangers when we meet
Strangers on the street
Lovers while we meet

Perfect
You know this has to be
We always were so free
We promised that wed be
Perfect

Kind of good... give it a listen, download it and maybe even go to Wally World and buy it.

I used to end these with fuck it, but now, I think I will go with Peace, Love and all that Jazz.

Another Quote Time

Here is another quote. I know what you are thinking - why another? Because it's my therapy. In my journey to find myself again, I am reading positive things and trying to keep the negative out of my life.

"Somewhere in you is the you whom you were created to be" -Rob Bell

That's one to grow on. But only if you take it to heart.

311

I have been rediscovering old tunes and these lyrics by 311 from "I'll Be Here Awhile" were nice to hear - check it out

Far is solace in the maddening pace
sad state written on my face
not a tight rope walk but dance
uncertain game of chance
but I'll see it through in time

Just think it over - I'll talk to you later.

Quote time

For those of you that don't know, I recently went through a break up. 3 weeks later and I think I am doing better. This quote kind of hit home with me though, maybe I need to take it to heart. Every girl I have dated, I have always given some kind of leeway to in the way that they act. An "Oh, I can put up with it" type thing. Anyway, here is the quote -
"They say you shouldn’t marry the person you can live with, you should marry the person you can’t live without."

Nice, huh? Don't judge... just think it over.

Myspace couples

I really don't want to rant on here, but that does not matter because it's my blog. What is the deal with couples that sign up on myspace with one account? We get it, you love each other, blah, blah, blah. And listen missy, just because you made the profile and he has sworn up and down he does not have another does not mean he is telling the truth. Here is what I have learned in the past couple of weeks.

Men = We are pigs. We will never stop being pigs. If you don't think your guy is a pig, then he probably is the worst of all of us.

Women = You are all batshit crazy. Seriously. If you aren't looking for marriage, you're looking for the next best thing to come your way. So there are two different sides to the spectrum. One woman - wants marriage, etc. The other - never sure if the guy she is with is the right one.

So to all of you couples out there, please make separate profiles. Shared profiles are just stupid and childish.

Going on

I have been going through a difficult time and had to express myself in ways other than writing for a bit. I think that I needed to find something within myself and gain the strength to write again. For some reason, I thought of an old college professor who probably did not know the impact he had on my life. Dr. Jon Gold was a philosophy teacher at WLSC when I went there. I failed his class the first time I took it and received a C the second time. Circumstances were poor, I did not like authority and hated to go to class. But I retook it when I was working 40 hours a week and could not give the commitment to the class I wanted at the time. Something that Dr. Gold taught us in class was to question everything, especially yourself. He was an intelligent man, a jewish man that switched to Christianity and became a pastor. He understood that you had to go to God in your own way and never pushed me to believe. After my dad passed away, I thought of Dr. Gold a lot. I studied the Bible like he had always suggested. I was not his protege, he wasn't my mentor and he probably didn't know the impact he had on me. Unfortunately, after my summer class, he passed away of a heart attack. Smoking and drinking 50 coffees a day is not good for your heart. But, just so he knows and everyone else does - Thanks Dr. Gold.

Weird dream

I had a weird dream last night. I was in the garage at my step-dad's company, with some workers and my brother and we were drinking. Somebody spilled a beer on my iPhone and it broke. I made the person buy me another, but instead of the model I have they bought the old 2G model. What does this say about me? Am I so obsessed with material objects that I have dreams about them now?

The Assassination of The Dub or An Update on my Life

So -
You all (the three people that read this blog - Hi Saf, Amandade and Lex) are probably wondering what is going on in my life. So in my very classy fashion, here are the top 5 things that I have been doing, in no particular order.

1.) Started smoking again. I did 2 months, it sucked, I will quit again.
2.) I am writing more often. It controls my anger issues. Let's all face it, I try to hard to act like a "bad ass" and I'm really not. I can hold my own, but I don't want people to be uncomfortable around me. I just want to be me.
3.) I started a different rotation at work. I am in the Communications Tech group now working with Cisco VOIP (look it up) technology. A change from storage management, but a good one for 6 months.
4.) I have allergies now. I never did before...
5.) I have forgiven... nothing more to say on that one.

So there it is. If you want anymore, you can ask, but who knows what answer I may give.

Envy

So I have decided to post some of my writings online... poetry, short stories, etc. I decided to do it here to get some HONEST feedback. Positive comments and any criticism is accepted, but if you call me any kind of negative names because of this, your comment will be deleted. You know who you are....

Envy
I have what you wanted
I won in the end
if this is what it feels like
to hold the ace
from where does this jealous
this little green man
visit from time to time
in the depth of my chest
I should be the winner
I should be the best


And that's the first of a few I have right now. I know what everyone is thinking - Dub, you can't write, you can barely read. Well, my friends, it's time you knew something about me - I am actually pretty intelligent when I want to show it. So there, nyah, nyah, nyah (and yes, I know what irony means).